When no-one wants to talk about it

We get to an age where the time to the end of our life is shorter than the time we have had from the beginning of our life and so it is only natural for us to contemplate death more than before. And despite death being an inevitability for all of us, as a society we tend to try and avoid the topic.  Whether it is us that avoids it or our families and friends that avoid talking about death, this fundamental event in our lives is often left undiscussed.

And yet it makes sense to think about it, plan around it and make an inevitable event less traumatic, less painful, and possibly even to introduce aspects of joy and celebration. 

Contemplating the end of our life should not lead to a morbid fascination with it – it is more like knowing we will go on a trip, packing a “go-bag” and putting it away so we can focus on enjoying life as it is now.

It also allows for some control in terms of what we put in the go-bag, when often the older we get, the more others seem to want to make decisions for us.

The go-bag should contain the following: 

• A will and someone who knows where it is

• A medical directive that tells people what we want when we no longer can

• All relevant documents in one place and one person who knows where that place is

• A plan for the very end of our life (who should be there, who should not, choice of place, etc.) 

• A legacy project if applicable.

As you prepare this travel kit there may be a need for discussions with family or friends or doctors. These can be difficult, but there are ways in which we can approach conversations like this that make it easier.

In the next articles we will focus on each of these so that your go-bag can be packed and you can focus on life.

Death literacy, medical choice and reclaiming death as a natural part of life

“We are all just walking each other home”. Ram Dass

My passion for my work as a death doula is rooted in my belief that the way in which we deal with the end of life needs compassionate improvement. I want us as a society to engage more with the topic of death, make it easier to talk about and ensure we get what we need. Of course we can't ultimately change the outcome but we can still improve the process. 

Having started my career in law and worked in international organisations, the private sector, NPOs and government this change in career may seem a strange shift. My BA (Law), LLB and Masters in Human Rights and Conflict Management, strange as it may seem, all contribute to the way in which I approach this work - and sometimes they provided a lesson in how NOT to approach this work. My background also allows me to now begin pursuing a Doctorate in end of life studies, where I hope to influence the way in which we do death in South Africa. 

I had the privilege of being there when my father died. It helped me understand the opportunities for creating a sacred space in grieving environments. And I wanted to be part of the team that makes that happen. If I can say I have made the process of death easier and lighter for my clients and their families that makes me happy and content in the work I do.

The way in which I get that done is offering to be part of a conversation that is not easy to have with those closest to you, to allow the person who is dying to express whatever is on their mind and in their hearts and together plan a way in which we honour them; not just after they die but in the times before. It might be surprising to some but there is great joy to be found in the most difficult of spaces.

With my background in the legal field I bring knowledge of the many aspects of dying, guiding individuals and families through everything from advance care planning and legacy creation to vigil support and grief integration. Through my work in NPOs I have increased my ability to bring the needs of the person to the fore without judgment and allow the person to take up the space they need. The approach is different for every person because I do not provide solutions but merely enable people to develop their own. As a companion in this challenging time I am the support you need. 

Beyond my own work I firmly believe there are so many aspects of death and dying that should really be common knowledge. In this space at Pensioners Pay Less I take the opportunity to share information that is easily implementable without needing my services. And if you do want to have more of a conversation with me about your end of life or that of someone close to you write me an email:  meerkatphilosophy@gmail.com